The Sunday Currently | 01

What is up, you guys! It’s me again! So I’m gonna stop writing my not-so-active blog entries abt “Saturday Current Doings” and I decided to stick with the original one which is The Sunday Currently by Siddathornton. 

Anyways, it’s been a while. Things changed—for me. I haven’t even fixed the About Me section and I do know I have a lot of things to fix here. It’s already June, how time flies so fast. I still remember me getting pissed last month—May 15, birthday, UGH!!! Buuut, lets not talk about that.  

CURRENTLY

Reading

This Is What Happy Looks Like by Jennifer E. Smith and I am loving it so far! I’m still halfway through thk. So let’s talk about that after I finish the book or maybe some other time. Hehe

Writing

The Sunday Currently vol 1. I’m not supposed to write something and my plan was to spend time with my readings but my fingers were itching to work that’s why I came up with this one since it’s also a Sunday. Lol 

Listening

You First Believed by Hoku and it is my favorite song as of the moment. The song’s too good for my ears! I’ve been listening to it since morning and I actually thought the title’s It Was You duh because that’s what I heard first so don’t judge hahahaha!

Watching

None. I am not into watching during weekends. However, earlier, I watched some vlogs of itsjudyslife because why the heck not? I mean, I just love them, yep. 

Thinking

of the things I should do tomorrow. Not that much because I haven’t even planned anything yet. Maybe I’ll just lay down in bed tomorrow orrrr, lay down in bed. Great plan, great plan.

Smelling

pizza or am I just hallucinating or am I hungry?

Wishing

things to get better. Bright and positive life, people! We all need that. (Well, say that to yourself, self.) 

Wearing

the usual pambahay, an orange sleeveless top and black shorts.

Hoping

for new books! But who am I kidding, I still have two books that I haven’t even read yet. They’re just stuck on my drawer. But seriously though, I’m spending a lot because of books so I should blame NBS (joke hahahaha!) Books are always a go-go!! 

Loving

the Primadonna slip-ons that my tita brought for me.It’s color black and it has some snake skin prints on it. Yayyy! Thank you for the late birthday gift, ate Mayet! ❤

Needing

a hot compress because I am currently having dysmenorrhea and my back hurts so much. It’s so hard to be a girl, ‘ya know!!!

Feeling

sick. Maybe because it’s that time of the month where everyone pisses me off and I feel like my body’s down. And yeah, I have a sneeze huhuhu greaaat.


So that’s it! It’s already past 10 and I should be sleeping now but I don’t know, I don’t wanna sleep yet. ‘Ya know me, social media and ebreteng. Anyways, hope y’all had a great weekend! You can still spend time with your family or friends or someone else because tomorrow’s a holiday. Yayyy for long weekends! 

And I would like to honor the founder of The Sunday Currently feature, siddathornton. You guys should also join the bandwagon! It’s fun, actually.

Be happy! —me to self.

Birthday Blues

So today’s my birthday. The word birthday itself comes with a lot of expectations and such. I don’t know why but I’m not expecting much; I didn’t expect much. I woke up today feeling lonely, a little blue or should I say, I’m getting birthday blues today. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful for everything that’s happening. I don’t want extravagant gifts, but what I’d really love is a birthday present that had some real thought put behind it, rather than something that was bought in the sales is a bit of an afterthought. But, it’s still not about the gifts, I feel sad and don’t judge me but I seriously am crying since I woke up and I don’t know the reason.

I am not sorry to say that yes, I am sad and I can’t answer why so don’t ask. Do even people realize that it has been a whole year and we haven’t talked and today you give me wishes on the name of bloody formality. Every year, same story and with each birthday, today actually felt worse, not because I don’t like getting old, which I surprisingly love, but it was just something else.

Deeply,  I would wish for this day to never exist or I just don’t want to be depressed again. I kept pushing myself in my head, it is just a normal day. People around me are trying to make me happy today just because it is my special day. Glad I still feel loved, after all. 

I usually had my thought about birthdays and that is, birthdays are celebrated because the people around you are grateful that you’re here. But to think of it, I’m already legalized(?) I’m already 18 and I don’t feel like it. Lol. Still, thanks for the greetings you guys, please do take note that I know the real ones and I know the fake ones and for that, I’m still glad you spend seconds of your time typing happy birthday to me.

Anywaaaaays, happy 18th, self. (Ang saya sa picture, dibuh)

18, ew.

Okay—not.

We all have problems and I’ve come to think that my depression is different than your depression. So it’s pointless to compare. I am frustrated. And as much as I want to, I think it would be best if I distance myself. You see, I probably believe that no one will ever be able to feel the exact same thing you are feeling. Sure, we all experience the same emotions throughout something, but if I were to rate my frustration, it’ll be rated a mere 5 and yours would be 8 out of 10, maybe. We’re not all feeling the same, as you know it is, even when we think we know exactly what’s inside a person’s soul.

Time is relative. So is life, so are feelings. We tend to look at our own self and question things. Am I a problem? When we offer advice to someone, we overlook how that person responds or if they liked your advice in the first place. So we end up feeling down like we’ve been talking to walls, getting angry and feeling such feelings. The reality is, we never know if a person is hurting, we never really know if it’s our fault and that’s the problem. They might think it’s a joke or they might think they’re the only one suffering, but the fact is, we don’t like them feeling that way.

So here goes, you’re depressed. You’re battling depression and it makes you more sensitive to other people’s needs. You have to be in the middle wherein you have to understand yourself and understand others as well. You know that being depressed is not a choice, it depends on how life goes on with you. Then you remember each time you felt hurt or misunderstood by your friends and only managed to push you further into guilt.

But as they say, life goes on. Even though they made you feel like you made everything about yourself, again. You don’t know what to do and you don’t know how to behave anymore just to avoid making mistakes and making others angry at you again. Things were never quite the same again.

I know it was me who did you wrong, but it hurt me too.

Sorry.

Weekend At Baguio City

Hey everyone! Happy 2017! Sadly, I wasn’t able to compose an entry about new year and such stuff because I was kind of  busy. And speaking of busy, I am not yet enrolled because I had to fix my grades and do my clearance and it’s not yet done. School’s about to start this Monday so it looks like I’ll be missing a lot.

Anywaaays, back to the topic. It was last week, Monday, January 2nd, 2017 when I got a call from ate Mayet—which is my Tita and ate Ember—my cousin telling me that they wanted to go to Baguio. Ate Ember is currently studying in SLU at Baguio which gave ate Mayet the idea of spending weekend there. It was very timely that ate Ember had to enroll for the second semester and we decided to join her when she goes up there again. I refused at first because I don’t have enough money or allowance to spend but Ate Mayet insisted on paying my bus fee—but only that, even so I considered it a go-go!

The original plan was to spend the weekend there with Ate Mayet, Ate Ember and Eren along with me. But it was January 3rd when we heard the news about Ate Mayet being sick.  She wasn’t feeling well and she was food poisoned so she had to go to the doctor and do a check-up. Unfortunately, her stomach ache lasted for about a week so she said she wouldn’t be able to come.

January 6, 2017—Saturday, 11:00pm. It was actually the day of going to Baguio. It was just the three of us who travelled—Ate Ember, Eren and me. It was quite a long ride, from home to Baguio, it will take you 8 hours or less going there. We’ve been receiving text messages from Ate Mayet like ‘I hate you people.’, ‘Pasalubong ko ah. Yung tshirt na may I LOVE BAGUIO’ and such stuffs. I felt bad because she paid my bus fee but she wasn’t able to come.

It was my 3rd time going to Baguio, 2nd time’s last year and I don’t even remember the first time I went there. Going back.. we arrived at 4 or 6(?) in the morning and the temperature’s too low for my hot body (charot). We stayed at Ate Ember’s dorm/apartment, I don’t know what it’s called. Fortunately, her dorm mates weren’t there because it’s still their semestral break so the house is ours for the weekend! We first took some rest  and decided to roam around in the afternoon.

We ate lunch first at Grumpy Joe and after that, we decided to go to the famous Camp John Hay! Lol I don’t even know if it’s famous. There were many people there so I am assuming it was. It’s just walk here and there, picture here and there and the rest is history. Speaking of photos.. we took many!

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We were so exhausted after so we decided to go home ( I mean, go to ate Em’s dorm) and rest. We had some leftovers when we ate at Grumpy Joe so the leftovers became our dinner that day. And speaking of dinner, it was actually some kind of breakfast-dinner because we ate cereals and pizza, and baked ziti and bacon and cheese fries!! BUT NO FREAKING RICE THAT DAY, WAW, TALK ABOUT DIET HAHAHAHA. I didn’t actually sleep that day, namamahay pa siguro. I wasted my sleeping hours by scrolling through twitter and surfing the internet. LOL.

2nd Day! Last day in Baguio! No sleep. Hahahaha! It was Sunday which means, we have to go to church. So it was around quarter to nine when we left the dorm. After that, we bought lunch and got home by 11. Agendas on that day was Ben Cab, SM, Market and go home.

We hailed a cab and went to Ben Cab. It’s a museum which many people usually visit but it will take you 10 minutes or so (?)  to get there. The place is so instagram worthy, I swear in my life. So, you may already know why we went there. Hahahaha! Photos, photos ang photoooos!

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 I have actually a hundred or so photos on my phone kaso for our eyes only na lang, char. Hahahaha! After Ben Cab, we went to SM Baguio to eat dinner. After eating dinner, we went to the market to buy pasalubongs! We stopped by to buy milk tea at I Heart something like that. That was actually the first time I tasted milk tea, I don’t drink one kasi because I hate the taste of teas, good thing nagustuhan ko yun, it was recommended by ate Em, sayang tho kasi walang ganon dito. Huhuhu.

I enjoyed the mini getaway with my cousins. I was kind of sad though because 2 days lang. But I am actually happy with everything. Those 2 days made me felt the feeling of being free. Free from everything—the stress, my boring life and such. For a moment or so, it was indeed one of the best days of my life. I don’t know if I am over reacting but I actually felt serenity and calmness, it’s as if I am not minding the things I have to do. But as they always say c’est la vie, all things must come to an end. I am still glad I had the chance to think and enjoy everything.

The highlight of that mini-adventure was the moment I get to spend some time with my cousins. Laugh all day, err day lang  when I’m with them. #Dugyutan2017 hahahaha! I am sure ate Em and Eren would laugh if they read this. Anyway, I wish ate Mayet was there with us though, it would be more fun!

I am happy.

Yes, she liked you.

She still search for you in crowds. She always wonder how a guy like you captured her heart. She kept her love at a safe distance because saying it out loud might scare you away. She still have doubts, yes. For every night she close her eyes and long inside for something more. Something she doesn’t think she can pursue. And that is, having you.

You are her world. She drew you in her world; she draw you all the time. You have that something in you that always makes her heart skip-a-beat. She dreamed of you. She dreamed of having you. She used to think she couldn’t go a day without your smile. Without hearing your voice and seeing your face. She likes you, yes she does.

For years she have seen you as the most precious thing that happened. But hearing the news, poached her heart. The certain feeling of being broken. Yes, you aren’t hers. That makes the situation more complicated. You are now with someone. Oh how her heart breaks hearing that phrase; how her tears fall hearing that phrase.

She liked you. Out of all these, all she could think of was “I did not know love until I met you.”. She does not know what love is, but always gets sad knowing that you weren’t really hers. You are all and now you were none; you are worth it but not to her. How could someone stop her for liking you? How could fate do this kind of spell? And yes, she knew that your presence might be nothing to her now.

Acceptance. Sometimes we want what we couldn’t —sometimes we love who we couldn’t. The timing is irrelevant. She had so much to figure out back then. You didn’t see her; you didn’t notice her. She was inivisible and I guess by now, she already moved on, with her feelings with her. She learned so much.

Yes, she liked you.

A Letter to Myself

To start of with, I am so proud of you. Life hasn’t been too easy on you lately, and things must’ve been hard for you to accept but despite it all, you have managed to live and continue fighting throughout.

There are so many things to be proud of; everything you have gone through, mostly, what you’ve become today.

Always remember that everything will make sense to you one day. Stop being so hard on yourself. I am sure that everything you do is truly worthwhile and as you always, always believe,everything happens for a reason. Everything will fall into place so be patient and trust yourself in everything you do. All the expectations in your head, let go of it all. Accept what reality has to offer; accept life for what it is.

Try not to let others get you down. Don’t take everything so personally. Most of the time, things have nothing to do with you so don’t mind worrying about it all. When people say something that would hurt your feelings, because you truly are a sensitive one, try to understand their side. What remains in the past, remains in the past. Not everything or not everyone is worth forgiving but always see how things roll in life and think about forgiving people even just for a little while.

Everybody’s not perfect, you should know that. But you are perfect—in a very beautiful way, especially  with your flaws. Accept the things that makes you different from others. You are unique, yes you are.

Even though you are broken, I know that you are stronger than anything that has tried to let you down. You’re really not broken as you think you are. You are a survivor in this world full of problems that people meet everyday. So with that, do not be so hard on yourself, we both know you’re doing everything that’ll make the most of it all.

Make the most of it all. Never let anyone get in way of your goals. Never ever give up on your hopes, your passions, your dreams. I know you can pursue it all. Always, always remember that someday you will discover what you are truly meant for in this world. Stop wasting time on people who do not believe in anything you can. Surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you to be the best person you can be.

You are enough. You deserve everything; you deserve the world. You are beautiful. You are all. At the end of the day, all the things you do are the things that makes yourself a better being. Stop worrying too much.

Do not look for love. I mean, there is so much more to you than being someone else’s girlfriend. Frankly speaking, there is so much more to life than a guy. I know that you never experienced being in a relationship but always stay positive while waiting for love. You’re still young. Just because you have not found love yet, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved.

Be a good friend, be kind yo your family. Be selfless; do not think about yourself too much. But you should know that you have to love yourself first to be able to help other people.

You have been through a lot, we both know that. The world has tried to break you, even the person you didn’t know they’d do, but you never let them destroy what you’ve become. You are so strong, my dear. Thank the people in your past, for they have made you a stronger and better person today.

People will leave you. Not everyone in this world is meant to stay forever. Well, there will be some who would stay but always be ready for what life could do. Some will disappoint you, all you have to do is appreciate them for what they have taught you. Thank the people who have stayed. And as for the ones who have gone, you’re the one who knows what to do with them.

Thank you for everything you have taught yourself. Thank you for never giving up and being so tough despite the hard problems you’re getting yourself into. Stay strong, dear. You know you deserve better.

I am so proud of you.

She is in her cloud of confusion;
Thoughts baffled inside her head
Not minding what the time is
Only memories she cannot forget.

And she sighed and wept
for what things she couldn't have.
Every dream she hoped for,
and every time
she long inside for something more.

During these moments,
she wanted so desperately to leave
—to be home.
She wanted to be left alone
—with nothing than her thoughts
about all that could have been.