Bitterlight Self

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”
James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time

So, I’ve been thinking a lot of random things these past few weeks? I don’t know. But, there’s this one thing that seriously bothered me since (let’s not mention specific dates and days, ‘kay? ) up until now.  I don’t typically know why I am sharing this,well maybe because I have no one to tell this kind of stuff and I’m sure enough that my friends will get bored when I open up this kind of topic.

The “weird” thing that I am going to tell you is about a guy. Nope. Not like those ‘crush-y’ thingies and love whatnot that you are thinking.  If its not like those lovey-doveys, then what is it?  Well, that is kinda hard to explain. I guess, I’m still a little confused about this guy. But seriously speaking, the first thing I felt when I saw him, literally just ‘saw’ him, was hatred. I don’t really know. I don’t usually hate people.  Well, I hate ‘some’  human being that I know but atleast there’s a reason why I hate them right? And this guy is unfortunately kind of different. So, I’m not gonna mention his name here because it’s kinda privey. Hahahahaha! Wag na, baka magkagulo pa eh! Lol.

Aside from just seeing his face (that made me hate him. Peace!), there are those things with ‘s’ kasi madami talaga, like his innocent look “always”, his jawline (sorry), the way he talks and his accent “kuno” (totally irritates me), his hair which I think is like a broom (okay, now I’m too harsh), his ‘really too high’ confidence, his ‘pagpapakipot’ to the people around him.  But seriously, now that many days passed,  I hated him even more.

I didn’t like the feeling. I don’t like hating people just because of their looks or whatsoever about them. Pero, bat ganon? He totally irritates me! We’re not even close or better yet, we’re not even talking  pero ganto ko magsalita sa kanya. One time, I saw him looking at me, I stared back but then just rolled my eyes at him. I wonder if he noticed that? Nakakakilig? No. Didn’t feel that one coming. Oh, did I already said that he’s smart? Well, yes he is but nagiging ‘yabang’ lang sa paningin ko. I never thought that once you hate someone, you could possibly hate them even more. Nakakacurious lang. There are “some” people like me naman diba? Yung mahe-hate mo yung person pero wala naman siyang ginagawa sayo and you doesn’t even know him yet?  Hatred. Even I doesn’t like the feeling of being hated. Sino ba naman may gusto diba? Thinking about people who hates me made me curious about myself. I mean, what’s wrong with me? Why do they hate me too much? Is it my face chuchuchu? I never let ‘this guy’ know naman na I hate him. Why? Like I said, macucurious yung tao! 

I know what you’re thinking right now. Love? Eww. Kidding! Ang harsh ko na masyado kay koya! Hahahahaha. But telling you this kind of stuff made me feel better. Di ako nagpapapansin kaya ko pinost to! To tell you frankly, I always see his friends at the side of my eyes also looking at me and laughing, I don’t know what they’re laughing at, is it me? or other stuffs about me? Baka assuming ka lang teh! Paranoid ka lang friend, sus! Maybe. Maybe I’m not just paranoid that’s why I’m also starting to hate his friends. Well, not all. But, whenever I look at them, I always most of the time see them, like they’re laughing at me. Insecure lang? Yes I am. For the first time in my entire sweet and lovely life. I’m insecure. Because I don’t like people staring at me, laughing at me, kahit sino pa man dyan.

I do not believe in the saying that “The more you hate, the more you love.” I am beyond comparing myself to that kind of scenario. And didn’t even thought about that one and will never be. Saying all this stuff also made me feel like I’m a bad person. I don’t know. Kalurks! If it’s hate they say, I’m saying what I am thinking. Hope these days would just be normal. You know? Having no one to hate; for no apparent reason. I’ll get over my irritation. Well, it’ll maybe take a while.

“Negative emotions like hatred destroy our peace of mind.”

Yun.

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