You gave me half of your heart
but I wanted it whole.
You loved me
but not the way I wanted you to.
You were happy
and I was, too.

That's what I thought.

We talked.
We spent hours talking and laughing.
It felt like everything was the same.
When in fact,
we both know things have really changed.

I wanted to tell you things
I should've told you before.
I wanted to tell you
that I've grown tired from wandering,
hoping to find the pieces of myself.

But then, I didn't tell you still.

We were caught up 
by how perfect everything is.
Maybe we're just in love
with the idea of being together.
But in reality,
we were bound to meet but that ends there.

And it ended there— it ended that way.

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Re: Depression

 

Did you once ask yourself, why do people get sad? Or it may be, why am I sad? When you ask yourself that question, what do you feel? When people tell you that they’re sad, what do you do? Do you cheer them up? Do you make fun of them? Do you make them feel sad even more? Do you remember what you did? Sit down and think.

Depression. What do you think is the meaning of this word? Hear me out. Depression is something people wouldn’t want to have—it’s a disease and it is not JUST a made-up word. Some people would think that it is something trivial or unimportant— something you can simply joke about. Well, news flash: It’s not. It’s an illness & many people try to dismiss the signs because of the stigma that comes with the sickness. It is not easy to deal with something that only you can fully understand. It isn’t easy to try and help people when they don’t trust you because they are scared and anxious that you might just be one of those people who think mental illness is “all in the head”.

This apparently is the representation of a depressed person’s mind.

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Depression is a sad and hard topic but it must be talked about. In fact, there are famous people who battled depression—according to http://www.health.com. One example is a Disney actress and singer Demi Lovato. She had been into a treatment facility for “emotional and physical issues” back in 2010. After all that, she came back with life back under control and revealed to people that she suffered from anorexia, bulimia, and bipolar disorder . She once said, and I quote, “For me, I suffered a lot with bipolar depression, which is not talked about. And, I wish people knew it wasn’t as easy as just becoming happy.”

People who invalidate others’ feelings is a part of why depression exists—they invalidate people’s feelings because its not something they have to deal with. When people ask you if you’re okay, you can’t even say a single thing because you’re afraid of being a burden and you’d rather keep the sadness inside. I remember reading somewhere—”Feeling not okay is part of being human.” and I don’t know what about that simple statement made me feel relieved again. It’s okay to be sad at times, but never let yourself drown in your own misery.

So bottom line is, before we dismiss people’s feelings and opinions, we should try to understand where they are coming from. Because basically, depressed people don’t need attention, the most you can do is understand. You see, depression isn’t something you’d laugh at. It is a serious matter which people don’t tend to realize.

Don’t wait for someone you love to succumb to depression before you acknowledge the reality. Be the voice of reason. MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT.

You, the one reading this. You matter. Your feelings matter. You’re doing amazing in braving through your struggles. You got this. 😉

The Sunday Currently | 01

What is up, you guys! It’s me again! So I’m gonna stop writing my not-so-active blog entries abt “Saturday Current Doings” and I decided to stick with the original one which is The Sunday Currently by Siddathornton. 

Anyways, it’s been a while. Things changed—for me. I haven’t even fixed the About Me section and I do know I have a lot of things to fix here. It’s already June, how time flies so fast. I still remember me getting pissed last month—May 15, birthday, UGH!!! Buuut, lets not talk about that.

CURRENTLY

Reading

This Is What Happy Looks Like by Jennifer E. Smith and I am loving it so far! I’m still halfway through tho. So let’s talk about that after I finish the book or maybe some other time. 

Writing

The Sunday Currently vol 1. I’m not supposed to write something and my plan was to spend time with my readings but my fingers were itching to work that’s why I came up with this one since it’s also a Sunday. Lol

Listening

You First Believed by Hoku and it is my favorite song as of the moment. The song’s too good for my ears! I’ve been listening to it since morning and I actually thought the title’s It Was You duh because that’s what I heard first so don’t judge hahahaha!

Watching

None. I am not into watching during weekends. However, earlier, I watched some vlogs of itsjudyslife because why the heck not? I mean, I just love them, yep.

Thinking

of the things I should do tomorrow. Not that much because I haven’t even planned anything yet. Maybe I’ll just lay down in bed tomorrow orrrr, lay down in bed. Great plan, great plan.

Smelling

pizza or am I just hallucinating or am I hungry?

Wishing

things to get better. Bright and positive life, people! We all need that. (Well, say that to yourself, self.)

Wearing

the usual pambahay, an orange sleeveless top and black shorts.

Hoping

for new books! But who am I kidding, I still have two books that I haven’t even read yet. They’re just stuck on my drawer. But seriously though, I’m spending a lot because of books so I should blame NBS (joke hahahaha!) Books are always a go-go!!

Loving

the Primadonna slip-ons that my tita bought for me. It’s color black and it has some snake skin prints on it. Yayyy! Thank you for the late birthday gift, ate Mayet! ❤

Needing

a hot compress because I am currently having dysmenorrhea and my back hurts so much. It’s so hard to be a girl, ‘ya know!!!

Feeling

sick. Maybe because it’s that time of the month where everyone pisses me off and I feel like my body’s down. And yeah, I have a sneeze huhuhu greaaat.


So that’s it! It’s already past 10 and I should be sleeping now but I don’t know, I don’t wanna sleep yet. ‘Ya know me, social media and ebreteng. Anyways, hope y’all had a great weekend! You can still spend time with your family or friends or someone else because tomorrow’s a holiday. Yayyy for long weekends!

And I would like to honor the founder of The Sunday Currently feature, siddathornton. You guys should also join the bandwagon! It’s fun, actually.

Be happy! —me to self.

Birthday Blues

So today’s my birthday. The word birthday itself comes with a lot of expectations and such. I don’t know why but I’m not expecting much; I didn’t expect much. I woke up today feeling lonely, a little blue or should I say, I’m getting birthday blues today. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful for everything that’s happening. I don’t want extravagant gifts, but what I’d really love is a birthday present that had some real thought put behind it, rather than something that was bought in the sales is a bit of an afterthought. But, it’s still not about the gifts, I feel sad and don’t judge me but I seriously am crying since I woke up and I don’t know the reason.

I am not sorry to say that yes, I am sad and I can’t answer why so don’t ask. Do even people realize that it has been a whole year and we haven’t talked and today you give me wishes on the name of bloody formality. Every year, same story and with each birthday, today actually felt worse, not because I don’t like getting old, which I surprisingly love, but it was just something else.

Deeply,  I would wish for this day to never exist or I just don’t want to be depressed again. I kept pushing myself in my head, it is just a normal day. People around me are trying to make me happy today just because it is my special day. Glad I still feel loved, after all.

I usually had my thought about birthdays and that is, birthdays are celebrated because the people around you are grateful that you’re here. But to think of it, I’m already legalized(?) I’m already 18 and I don’t feel like it. Lol. Still, thanks for the greetings you guys, please do take note that I know the real ones and I know the fake ones and for that, I’m still glad you spend seconds of your time typing happy birthday to me.

Anywaaaaays, happy 18th, self. (Ang saya sa picture, dibuh)

18, ew.

Okay—not.

We all have problems and I’ve come to think that my depression is different than your depression. So it’s pointless to compare. I am frustrated. And as much as I want to, I think it would be best if I distance myself. You see, I probably believe that no one will ever be able to feel the exact same thing you are feeling. Sure, we all experience the same emotions throughout something, but if I were to rate my frustration, it’ll be rated a mere 5 and yours would be 8 out of 10, maybe. We’re not all feeling the same, as you know it is, even when we think we know exactly what’s inside a person’s soul.

Time is relative. So is life, so are feelings. We tend to look at our own self and question things. Am I a problem? When we offer advice to someone, we overlook how that person responds or if they liked your advice in the first place. So we end up feeling down like we’ve been talking to walls, getting angry and feeling such feelings. The reality is, we never know if a person is hurting, we never really know if it’s our fault and that’s the problem. They might think it’s a joke or they might think they’re the only one suffering, but the fact is, we don’t like them feeling that way.

So here goes, you’re depressed. You’re battling depression and it makes you more sensitive to other people’s needs. You have to be in the middle wherein you have to understand yourself and understand others as well. You know that being depressed is not a choice, it depends on how life goes on with you. Then you remember each time you felt hurt or misunderstood by your friends and only managed to push you further into guilt.

But as they say, life goes on. Even though they made you feel like you made everything about yourself, again. You don’t know what to do and you don’t know how to behave anymore just to avoid making mistakes and making others angry at you again. Things were never quite the same again.

I know it was me who did you wrong, but it hurt me too.

Sorry.

Weekend At Baguio City

Hey everyone! Happy 2017! Sadly, I wasn’t able to compose an entry about new year and such stuff because I was kind of  busy. And speaking of busy, I am not yet enrolled because I had to fix my grades and do my clearance and it’s not yet done. School’s about to start this Monday so it looks like I’ll be missing a lot.

Anywaaays, back to the topic. It was last week, Monday, January 2nd, 2017 when I got a call from ate Mayet—which is my Tita and ate Ember—my cousin telling me that they wanted to go to Baguio. Ate Ember is currently studying in SLU at Baguio which gave ate Mayet the idea of spending weekend there. It was very timely that ate Ember had to enroll for the second semester and we decided to join her when she goes up there again. I refused at first because I don’t have enough money or allowance to spend but Ate Mayet insisted on paying my bus fee—but only that, even so I considered it a go-go!

The original plan was to spend the weekend there with Ate Mayet, Ate Ember and Eren along with me. But it was January 3rd when we heard the news about Ate Mayet being sick.  She wasn’t feeling well and she was food poisoned so she had to go to the doctor and do a check-up. Unfortunately, her stomach ache lasted for about a week so she said she wouldn’t be able to come.

January 6, 2017—Saturday, 11:00pm. It was actually the day of going to Baguio. It was just the three of us who travelled—Ate Ember, Eren and me. It was quite a long ride, from home to Baguio, it will take you 8 hours or less going there. We’ve been receiving text messages from Ate Mayet like ‘I hate you people.’, ‘Pasalubong ko ah. Yung tshirt na may I LOVE BAGUIO’ and such stuffs. I felt bad because she paid my bus fee but she wasn’t able to come.

It was my 3rd time going to Baguio, 2nd time’s last year and I don’t even remember the first time I went there. Going back.. we arrived at 4 or 6(?) in the morning and the temperature’s too low for my hot body (charot). We stayed at Ate Ember’s dorm/apartment, I don’t know what it’s called. Fortunately, her dorm mates weren’t there because it’s still their semestral break so the house is ours for the weekend! We first took some rest  and decided to roam around in the afternoon.

We ate lunch first at Grumpy Joe and after that, we decided to go to the famous Camp John Hay! Lol I don’t even know if it’s famous. There were many people there so I am assuming it was. It’s just walk here and there, picture here and there and the rest is history. Speaking of photos.. we took many!

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We were so exhausted after so we decided to go home ( I mean, go to ate Em’s dorm) and rest. We had some leftovers when we ate at Grumpy Joe so the leftovers became our dinner that day. And speaking of dinner, it was actually some kind of breakfast-dinner because we ate cereals and pizza, and baked ziti and bacon and cheese fries!! BUT NO FREAKING RICE THAT DAY, WAW, TALK ABOUT DIET HAHAHAHA. I didn’t actually sleep that day, namamahay pa siguro. I wasted my sleeping hours by scrolling through twitter and surfing the internet. LOL.

2nd Day! Last day in Baguio! No sleep. Hahahaha! It was Sunday which means, we have to go to church. So it was around quarter to nine when we left the dorm. After that, we bought lunch and got home by 11. Agendas on that day was Ben Cab, SM, Market and go home.

We hailed a cab and went to Ben Cab. It’s a museum which many people usually visit but it will take you 10 minutes or so (?)  to get there. The place is so instagram worthy, I swear in my life. So, you may already know why we went there. Hahahaha! Photos, photos ang photoooos!

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 I have actually a hundred or so photos on my phone kaso for our eyes only na lang, char. Hahahaha! After Ben Cab, we went to SM Baguio to eat dinner. After eating dinner, we went to the market to buy pasalubongs! We stopped by to buy milk tea at I Heart something like that. That was actually the first time I tasted milk tea, I don’t drink one kasi because I hate the taste of teas, good thing nagustuhan ko yun, it was recommended by ate Em, sayang tho kasi walang ganon dito. Huhuhu.

I enjoyed the mini getaway with my cousins. I was kind of sad though because 2 days lang. But I am actually happy with everything. Those 2 days made me felt the feeling of being free. Free from everything—the stress, my boring life and such. For a moment or so, it was indeed one of the best days of my life. I don’t know if I am over reacting but I actually felt serenity and calmness, it’s as if I am not minding the things I have to do. But as they always say c’est la vie, all things must come to an end. I am still glad I had the chance to think and enjoy everything.

The highlight of that mini-adventure was the moment I get to spend some time with my cousins. Laugh all day, err day lang  when I’m with them. #Dugyutan2017 hahahaha! I am sure ate Em and Eren would laugh if they read this. Anyway, I wish ate Mayet was there with us though, it would be more fun!

I am happy.

Yes, she liked you.

She still search for you in crowds. She always wonder how a guy like you captured her heart. She kept her love at a safe distance because saying it out loud might scare you away. She still have doubts, yes. For every night she close her eyes and long inside for something more. Something she doesn’t think she can pursue. And that is, having you.

You are her world. She drew you in her world; she draw you all the time. You have that something in you that always makes her heart skip-a-beat. She dreamed of you. She dreamed of having you. She used to think she couldn’t go a day without your smile. Without hearing your voice and seeing your face. She likes you, yes she does.

For years she have seen you as the most precious thing that happened. But hearing the news, poached her heart. The certain feeling of being broken. Yes, you aren’t hers. That makes the situation more complicated. You are now with someone. Oh how her heart breaks hearing that phrase; how her tears fall hearing that phrase.

She liked you. Out of all these, all she could think of was “I did not know love until I met you.”. She does not know what love is, but always gets sad knowing that you weren’t really hers. You are all and now you were none; you are worth it but not to her. How could someone stop her for liking you? How could fate do this kind of spell? And yes, she knew that your presence might be nothing to her now.

Acceptance. Sometimes we want what we couldn’t —sometimes we love who we couldn’t. The timing is irrelevant. She had so much to figure out back then. You didn’t see her; you didn’t notice her. She was inivisible and I guess by now, she already moved on, with her feelings with her. She learned so much.

Yes, she liked you.